I'm sorry, but I cannot accept you yet. There are a few things that you need to fix up in your application.
• First of all, I need you to explain his appearance a little more. You're nearly there, I just need you to read through the second section of the appearance and make sure it makes sense. I know what you're trying to say, but I'm getting a little confused. Also, the scars that you mentioned on his human back aren't explained. You mention that they are there, but you don't expand on it, you just leave it hanging.
• Second, you don't mention if the creature has any traits other than physical. Can it be harmful? Perhaps there is some history behind the creatures and how they come about. Where do they originate? So far, all you've told me is that they like dark places.
• The personality seems underdeveloped. I don't believe you capture Lithuania quite how the anime portrays him. He isn't usually ignored, nor is he a reclusive person. Instead, he tends to be very open. I realise that it may be partly reflecting the creature he is, but it doesn't seem right for him.
• The history is too general. I would like you to expand on it and give me details on his life. What about his family, parents, interaction with people at school? Did he move around a lot? Why did his parents decide to send him all the way to England to go to this magic school? Please could you expand further? After all, the history is what makes each character an individual.
• The RP sample shows him as someone different to who you described him in the personality. Lithuania would have no trouble calling a cat "cute". You portray him more as a tsundere character, which he is not. Please change it suitably.
(And for the smaller, nit-picking points)
• Punctuation. Be careful, because you miss out a lot of apostrophies. You would say "he's" instead of "hes", as you wrote it. You also use brackets in an odd way. You've spaced them out unnecessarily when they should be used like this: Text (example), text.
• Finally, the name. Please put down "Toris Laurinatis" for the full name. Also, be careful of how you spell it, because Laurinaitis is a canon name.
Please don't get put off by what I've aked you to do, you still have until your original deadline (the 3rd) to edit your application or repost it with the corrections. Good luck!
Sat Feb 26, 2011 1:19 am
